So today I have for you a list of nine ways to tell if you're doing it wrong. Dating, I mean. This list was accumulated over a considerable period of time and many awkward situations on the part of the blogger. All of these pointers are based in fact. Names have been omitted to protect the guilty parties. Please distribute this list to the men in your life. Or men who wish to be in your life. Knowledge is power.
Why nine? Because it seems like a good number. It's a perfect square. I do what I want.
First Dates: How to Tell if You are Doing it Wrong
1. If you at any point make a snotty comment about never getting married...you're doing it wrong. You're on a date, bud. Maybe you don't want to get married. Whatevs. But, sheesh, know your audience.
2. If you, at any point, think it is a good idea to lead with the fact that you are super-duper-rich, think again. Sure, you're going to attract some ladies with that tactic, but probably not the type you want. Unless you want a trophy wife with an empty head. Then definitely go for it.
3. If your last girlfriend was a stripper and/or you've ever dated anyone in the erotic entertainment industry...that's a little nugget you probably should not share until a later date. Do I even need to explain this one? Objectification of women...bladdy blah, standards of beauty and body image issues...blah blah blah, questionable past relationship choices...blah bladdy blah, sexually transmitted diseases...blah blah. I'll let you fill in the particulars. You get the idea, though.
4. If your first instinct is to text your date the next day to say you had a good time...good call. That's a great idea. However, if your first instinct is to repeatedly and increasingly harass your date into going out with you again the next day...think again bud. Side note: when said date refuses, it's generally not a great idea to tell her she is "difficult." Just saying.
5. If you get through dinner and drinks without asking your date anything about herself, you might want to seriously reevaluate things. Don't be surprised when she makes a quick exit and gives you no more than an awkward side hug. Here is a secret: people love to talk about themselves. That is a fact. Use it to your advantage. If you get a girl talking about herself, you're golden.
6. If your date is continually yawning and mentioning how tired she is...that's a hint. A bad idea would be to ask yourself up to her apartment. Just cut your losses and move on, guy.
7. If you try to take your date to a Chinese buffet restaurant on the first date...I don't even have words for you. Just...don't.
8. Similarly, if your master plan is to take your date to some chain restaurant at 4:30 pm on a Saturday (to beat the rush)...well, there are just too many things wrong with that sentence. I don't know where to begin. You're too far gone and I can't help you. I'm sorry.
9. If you want to kiss your date but your hand is bleeding and you go for it anyway so you wind up kissing her with your hand sticking out in the air so you don't wind up bleeding on her white coat...you're probably doing it wrong, but shoot, that's just too dang adorable to be wrong. Am I right?
So there you have it. Katy's go-to guide to dating. If you have done one of these things? No worries, now you know better. If you have done many of these things? Yikes. Just, stop. Like, immediately.
With all that said, I feel as though I've painted a horrible image of my dating life. I promise it's not all bad. In fact, quite the contrary. I could probably just as easily create a list of nine things that mean you're doing it right...but where's the fun in that? It's much more amusing to celebrate the fantastic failures.
Okay folks, that's a whopper of a Friday post. Exciting news: my baby sister and her roommates are flying in to visit me tomorrow! I'll try to keep up with the ol' blogging next week, but if I'm noticeably absent, you know why. Have a great weekend!
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